Dealing with the loss of pets

Grieving the loss of pets is painful and traumatic for adults and children. This article shows it's natural and not hopeless.

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Dealing with the loss of pets

When we have a pet that we love as a member of our family, the thought of losing that pet can tear our heart in two. Everyone has dealt with this. No matter how many times we go through it, it always feels like the first time. As hard as it is for us as adults it's especially hard on children. What this article will do is give some ideas on how to help the children though it, describe some of the stages and how to help someone through it, some ideas on "aftercare", and how to prepare.

Preparing for a pets passing is almost as hard as the final time. As difficult a decision as it is, the choice to put your pet to sleep is the most humane thing you can do. Animals very rarely die "on their own". Even when an animal comes to the end of their years naturally, it's usually very painful and a normal amount of guilt is felt.

When your veterinarian tells you the best thing to do is to put the animal down, that's when you have to make a choice. If there aren't any other extenuating circumstances involved, i.e. hit by a car, poison, etc., you may have the choice of bringing your pet home for a few days. This may be the appropriate time to take your pet home and spend some time with him.

After the few quality days you spend with your pet, its time to return to the veterinarian. Usually the vet's office will either have you pay prior to the appointment or bill you later. No matter what their policy, they will almost always make all arrangements prior to you and your pet seeing the doctor. You may have to make three decisions:

1. Self burial- where you bury the pet yourself.

2. The vet's office takes care of the body

3. Cremation- the remains are returned to you in an urn you choose.

On the whole, children seem to take the loss of a pet harder than us adults. Just as it is with adults, all children are different, so they each are going to react differently. Every child is also going to vary in what they can handle. No matter how your child reacts or what they can or can't handle, it may be beneficial to ask your veterinarian about briefly speaking with your child about what is going to happen and how. Depending upon your child, you might even allow him to be at your pet's side as he enters his final sleep.

If your child is not present or not aware the pet has passed, you need to explain what has happened. The best way to approach this is to be truthful, but be delicate. Keep the information age appropriate. Just remember this is a child and will need a little bit of sugar coating. Allow your child to ask questions and try to answer them as truthfully and delicately as possible. If it's fitting, you can even tell your child they went to "pet heaven". The three most important things to keep in mind are: 1) When your child is done talking about it, let it end. Don't force your child to talk about it. 2) Let your child grieve and allow him/her to grieve as long as he/she needs to. 3) Be there for your child when he/she needs you. This is not only a hard time for you but it's a very difficult time for your child.

Most people go through several stages of grief. There is no particular order for going through these stages nor is there any exact time frame the grieving period should last. Each person deals with loss differently. Let yourself feel your grief, don't force yourself to feel anything different, and let yourself take as long as you need to grieve. The stages of grief include but are not limited to, denial, anger, guilt, remorse, loneliness, fear and acceptance.

Denial is the stage of grief when we don't believe our pet is no longer with us. This could very well begin when we know the pet must be put down. We may say, "He looks like he's getting better" or "Maybe, if we wait a bit longer, she'll heal completely". Denial could be as minor as dreaming our pet is still alive or as major as wholeheartedly believing our pet will come back. Denial is a natural part of the grieving process. There is nothing wrong with it unless it begins to interfere with everyday functioning.

Anger is a very explosive stage and is often the most damaging. Anger is, however, natural. It could manifest as anger toward the vet, other pets, family members, yourself, or anyone within striking distance. There may be anger at the vet for putting the pet to sleep, anger at other pets that are still alive, just for being alive or even anger at the deceased pet for needing to be put to sleep. You may lash out at other family members for, as you perceive it, talking you into putting the pet to sleep. You could even feel anger at yourself for making the decision to put the pet to sleep. Just remember, anger stems from hurt. When we as humans are hurt so deeply, we tend to express our pain as anger.

Guilt is another natural part of grieving. Everyone feels guilt about needing to put a pet to sleep. Guilt often goes hand in hand with denial, in the thinking that if you had waited longer maybe your pet would have gotten better.

Remorse is one of the longest lasting stages of grief. Remorse can last anywhere from days to years. However long it lasts, as long as you're allowing yourself to feel it honestly, not forcing yourself to bury the feelings, it's not wrong.

The loneliness stage of grief can occur simultaneously with remorse. When a pet has been with us for any length of time we tend to become accustomed to their companionship. When that pet is no longer there, we might dwell on the fact that they are gone. Loneliness is a very common and again, natural, part of grieving.

During the grieving time we might also feel fear. We may be afraid to get another animal. There are many reasons we have this fear. We could be experiencing worry that the deceased pet would be angry or hurt because we "replaced" him. We might be afraid we will forget about our deceased pet. We might even be afraid to get another pet fearing that they to will die. Whatever the reason for your fear, it's not wrong.

Acceptance is the final stage of grieving. It's our body's way of telling us everything will be ok and that it's time to move on in that part of our life. We could still fell guilt, fear, loneliness or any other of the stages of grief during this final stage.

The best way to deal with this is to allow yourself you body's own natural time frame. Don't stereotype yourself or allow others to tell you to "get over it". Everyone is different in how long it takes him or her to heal.

When our pets have passed on and the grieving has begun you might ask yourself. "When should I get another pet?" or "Should I get another pet?" The important thing to remember is that no other animal can replace the deceased pet. The answer to the questions will be clear to you when you are ready.

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